Recently, my wife was unavailable to do any household chores for two months, so those tasks fell to me. I pride myself on helping around the house. I knew my wife worked hard at it, but until now I didn’t know just how hard she actually works. I was able to get through most of my duties ok, like shopping, fixing meals, cleaning house and such, but one task defeated me. I just couldn’t fold a fitted sheet. This poem describes the issue and suggests a way to circumvent the problem.
How to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Ever tried to fold a fitted sheet?
It might be the death of you.
It won’t fold proper and neat
No matter what you do.
Elastic runs all ‘round one side
So the thing will tuck in tight.
No matter how hard you have tried.
The edges won’t line up right.
A friend said to You Tube go
And do what the ladies there do.
So I watched the training video.
When they’re done the sheet looks brand new.
“Hold the right side next to you, just so,
By the corners on the side that is long.”
But she did not tell me how to know
The right side from the wrong.
“Then put the first corner into the second
And the third and forth in the two.”
(Hold tight with both hands, I recon,
Is what you’re supposed to do.)
“Straighten the edges” (that hang just right)
“And put it on a table.
Then fold the sheet smooth and tight.”
Sounds easy to do, if your able.
But when you try it in real life,
It doesn’t work out that way.
The damn thing contrives failure and strife
That would make an atheist pray.
It’s hard to stuff corners into each other
And the folds won’t hang neat and straight.
No matter how much frustration you suffer,
Success will not be your fate.
So forget the ladies in the video,
You Tube, TicToc and all.
To a mattress store you should go
At your nearby local mall.
Get yourself a new bed frame
That raises the foot and the head.
Take it home from which you came
And install it under your bed.
Take the sheet out of the dryer
And wad it into a ball.
Put it on a shelf, low or higher,
And forget about it all.
When it’s time to change the bed,
Take the wrinkled mess from the shelf.
As you raise the frame at its head,
You’ll be very impressed with yourself.
When the head is raised up high
The length of the mattress is less.
You’ll barely have to try,
To fit the sheet with success.
So put the sheet on with ease.
You’ll find it’s no longer a chore.
You can do with the thing as you please
Since you went to that mall mattress store.
Then lower the head back down,
And let me tell you what!
There won’t be a wrinkle around.
It’ll be smooth as a baby’s butt.
So banish your former frustration,
And make your bed tidy and neat
Without pause or trepidation.
And that’s how you fold a fitted sheet.
Note: For more poems that, hopefully, make you smile, see Humorous Poems by Lee Austin, available through Amazon.
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